


You Must Be a Bar Code, 'Cause I'm Checking You Out

by HugeAlienPie



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Lawyers, Author Has Tenuous Relationship With Science, Background Relationships, Law Clerk Stiles, Lawyer Derek, M/M, Mates, Online Friendship, Past Stiles Stilinski/Malia Tate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-10-02 05:22:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10210481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HugeAlienPie/pseuds/HugeAlienPie
Summary: Alonso thinks he's found his mate. Tyf feels some feelings about this news. Derek may be flirting via murder eyebrows. Stiles just wants to scan files.





	

**Author's Note:**

> **NB:** Malia does not come across the best in this fic. Proceed with caution according to your Malia-love-levels.

_Friday, February 21, 2020_

Stiles chuckled as he read his last message and slid his phone into his pocket. No more internet for this stalwart warrior. Or something like that.

He finger-waved around his coffee as he passed Liam behind the reception desk. Liam waved back and buzzed him into the office area. Stiles dumped his bag in his chair, grabbed his portable scanner, and popped in his earbuds. Time to get to work.

He'd scanned all the files in Derek's office and was making a good dent in Laura's when a laugh from the doorway startled him so much he dropped his scanner. He whirled, pulling out his earbuds. He toned down his scowl when he realized it was Laura watching him.

Stiles smiled sheepishly and bent to retrieve his scanner. "Hey, boss-lady."

"No rest for the wicked, huh?" she asked, the corners of her lips twitching up in the almost-smile that appeared to be a Hale trademark.

He shrugged. "Files ain't gonna scan themselves."

"You know this isn't the law clerks' job, right?" She waved at the scanner in his hand, the files in her cabinets, the general fact that he was here early on a Friday morning scanning files.

Stiles rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah, but right now it's not _anyone's_ job. I'm not complaining," he continued hurriedly. "I know Liam and the other admins are swamped since Hayden went on leave, and we don't have the budget for a replacement right now. But I spent almost two hours last Tuesday looking for the Temple file, and it was on Marin's desk the whole time. So... yeah. I kind of made it my job because I value my sanity."

Laura snorted. "Debatable."

"Excuse you," Stiles sniffed, but he couldn't hide his grin. "Look, it's fine. Danny and Mason hooked me up with the good scanner; it's, like, an hour and a half out of my life one day a week. And it's only for a few weeks, anyway, until my rotation's done. I swear I don't mind."

Laura shrugged, convinced enough to let it go for now. "If you say so." Her expression took a smirkier cast as she settled behind her desk. "I notice you did Derek's office first, when you knew there was a good chance he wouldn't be in yet. Scared?"

"Scared?" Stiles scoffed. "Please. What? Tch. As if. No way."

Laura laughed—actually threw her head back and laughed, long and hard and _loud_.

"I mean, just because I prefer not to bother him when he's working…" It was the wrong argument, and he realized it the second Laura looked around her office as if to say, _but you have no problem bothering **me** while I work._ The difference was that Laura, as head of the Juvenile division, had to have at least a modicum of tact. Derek, as one of the senior prosecutors, had built his reputation on being a hardass outside the courtroom as well as in it. Also, he had murder eyebrows. So, yeah. Stiles was trying to avoid running into Derek during scanning. That wasn't cowardice. It was healthy self-preservation.

Also, confused fear boners were a very real thing, and Stiles wanted to avoid developing one in front of the boss' brother.

*

_Moon and Root Online Magical Forum, Friday, February 21, 2020. Message log between_

**AlonsoQuijano** : 31, Greenwich Village. _OK I'm here now what_

and 

 **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** 25, Gotham City. _Vengeance, the night, jazz hands. Serious inquiries only—no jokers._

 ****19:14 UTC **AlonsoQuijano:** Tyf.  
19:16 UTC **AlonsoQuijano:** Tyf, I'm having an emergency and I could use your help.

19:16 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman** : emergency-emergency or? i'm on lunch in like 45. can it wait that long?

19:16 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano:** Yes. I can wait. Thank you.

20:01 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman** : ok buddy here i am. where's the fire?

20:01 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano:** What do you know about shifter mates?  
20:05 UTC **AlonsoQuijano:** Tyf? You still there?

20:05 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman** : yeah. sorry. just  
20:05 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman** : didn't realize that would hit me so hard  
20:05 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman** : uh, lets see  
20:05 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman** : i kno my shifter ex gf said i was her mate, & that meant i couldn't leave her  
20:05 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman** : i kno that whenever i tried 2 bring up problems in the relationship, nothing bad, just, shit that happens in relationships, she would say it didn't matter bc mates couldn't break up  
20:06 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman** : & i kno that when i caught her w/my bff's ex, she STILL tried 2 claim it didn't matter bc we were mates

20:06 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano:** FUCK

20:06 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman** : pretty much

20:06 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano:** Would it be weird if I apologized on behalf of all shifters ever?

20:06 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman** : 1 of my friends actually did that. but i appreciate the sentiment

20:06 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano:** Because what she did is a perversion of shifter culture and a gross misrepresentation of the mate bond.  
20:06 UTC **AlonsoQuijano:** The thing is: the mate bond isn't mystical.

20:06 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman** : says remus lupin 2 albus dumbledore

20:07 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano:** I'm serious. It's immunological. 

20:07 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman** : u say the sexiest things

20:08 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano:** No, listen. They've even documented it in humans. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2519788/

20:08 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman** : saving 4 later...

20:08 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano:** It's the same for shifters, except that we can actually smell it.

20:08 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman** : must b nice

20:09 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano:** Probably? My exes have only been so-so matches.  
20:09 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano:** Here's what IS mystical: there's a "best," right? If we're talking about ranking potential matches, someone out there is "the best" match. And when we meet that person, or catch their scent, we KNOW. We know in an INSTANT that it'll never be better than this person.  
20:09 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano:** Doesn't mean we CAN'T be happy with anyone else, or that this person is a happiness guarantee. But it's…

20:09 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman** : the best

20:09 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano:** Yeah.

20:10 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman** **:** & ur panic messaging me over this bc?

20:10 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano:** Someone at work has been touching my stuff.

20:10 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman** : perils of the urban wolf my man

20:10 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano:** Yeah, I know. I'm used to people touching my stuff.  
20:10 UTC **AlonsoQuijano:** But this is someone new. Someone whose smell I don't know.

20:11 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman** : & u think it's the 1

20:11 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano:** Yeah. I'm pretty sure it is.

20:13 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman** : holy shit dude  
20:13 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman** : that's huge  
20:13 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman** : so y r u freaking out?

20:14 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano:** WHY? Oh, let me think.  
20:14 UTC **AlonsoQuijano:** 1) I know all the shifters in the office. This isn't one of them. So this is some random human that I have to A) convince to date me; B) introduce to the whole supernatural everything; and C) tell is my perfect match, and hope that they don't either i) think I'm delusional; or ii) get completely overwhelmed and run screaming.

20:14 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** well i mean yeah but

20:15 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano** : 2) What if it's a straight guy, or a lesbian? Most shifters are pan because we know the mate match could be basically anyone. What if this person who is supposed to be PERFECT for me won't even give us a chance because human sexuality is so fucking complicated?

20:15 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** ooh ouch

20:15 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano** : 3) Werewolf. With anxiety. Meeting strangers.

20:15 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** yikes. true.  
20:15 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** BUT! werewolf. w/anxiety. meeting ur BEST MATCH. that's gotta be at least a little cool, right?

20:16 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano** : I guess it is. I just wish...

20:16 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** dude  
20:15 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** dude come on

20:16 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano** : Well, I DO. And I won't apologize for that.

20:18 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** yeah. i kinda wish it too  
20:18 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** but listen dude  
20:18 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** did u ever kno that ur my hero?

20:19 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano** : Please shut up now.

20:19 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** not even joking dude  
20:19 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** like, u KNO i kno what anxiety's like  
20:19 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** but u go to work every day  & u live ur life & u DO NOT let it stop u  
20:19 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** i hope the ppl in ur life kno how fucking lucky they r 2 have u

20:20 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano** : Most of them are scared of me. At least at work. I've cultivated an intimidating personality so no one gets close.

20:20 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** well i'm glad u feel like u can b urself w/me

20:21 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano** : Always.

20:23 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** & uh hey maybe u cn give tips 2 this dude in my offc. he's just intimidating

20:23 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano** : Make him spend a lot of time around you. He won't stand a chance.

20:26 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** aww ur so sweet

*

_Friday, February 28, 2020_

It was a good morning. Stiles had correctly answered the trivia question at the coffee shop and had wisely celebrated the ten cents that earned him off his coffee by buying a face-sized apple strudel muffin. The beautiful woman who sometimes rode the same elevator in the morning had been there, and they'd shared a little directionless flirtation. And a brand new _Welcome to Night Vale_ was bringing the weird to his eardrums. So far, a great start to the day.

He was bouncing along to the weather when a startled voice in the doorway said, "Oh. It's you."

Stiles jumped and whirled. His fingers fumbled to jam the pause button on his phone, and he stood staring at Derek like a noodle, jaw dropped, eyebrows up. "Uh. Hey. Derek. Yeah, it's me. I. Uh, I'm me." _Oh fucking jesus christ on an egg matzo._

Derek snorted and came into the office, dropping his briefcase beside his desk. "Glad we got that worked out," he said.

Stiles stared. Was that a _joke_? No, it couldn't be. Derek Hale didn't have a sense of humor. Everyone knew that. Stiles drifted back along the row of files he'd just scanned, his fingers riffling nervously along the edges of the cardstock. Derek's eyes narrowed and his nostrils flared. Stiles dropped his hand like the files were burning him and made an apologetic grimace in Derek's direction.

"I meant to do this when you weren't here," Stiles said, babble mode fully engaged. "I mean, uh, not that I don't want to see you! I just didn't want to bug you. With the—" He waved the scanner around. "Beep boop. So I'm gonna—or, oh, do you have court today? Or meetings or anything? Because I could come back."

"With the beep boop?" Derek asked, and that was _teasing_! Derek Hale was _teasing him_ and _smiling faintly_ and Stiles was not going to survive it.

"Yes," Stiles said emphatically, nodding. "I can come back with the beep boop."

Derek was openly grinning now. "I don't mind. I couldn't be around it all day, but you can go ahead and finish. I don't mind."

"You sure?"

Derek's smile softened. "Yeah. I'm sure."

So Derek sat at his desk (suit jacket hung over the back of the chair, shirt sleeves rolled up, rest in pieces Stiles Stilinski), and Stiles went back to scanning, and as the last notes of the weather faded and Stiles laughed at the beginning Cecil's post-weather wrap-up, he was totally unprepared for Derek to say, "It's a really good episode."

Stunned, Stiles stabbed pause again. "Yeah. It—it's one of my favorites lately."

"The bit at the end? When Kevin—"

"Ah-buh-buh-buh-buh!" Stiles sputtered. "I am literally four minutes from the end. Nooo spoilers!"

Derek grinned and (it was hard to tell beneath the glorious beard) maybe blushed faintly. "Sorry."

Stiles shook his head and pulled out one of his earbuds. "It's fine. I wouldn't have guessed Night Vale would be your thing."

And, yup, definite blushing. Stiles wasn't sure how much of this he could take. "I'm embarrassed to admit that my dad got me hooked."

"Hey, don't be embarrassed!" Stiles waved his hands around and smacked one of them right into Derek's file cabinet. He grimaced; Derek snickered. "Your dad is super amazing. His Psychology of Bias class, like, seriously changed my life. If I hadn't been dead set on law school since, like, sophomore year of high school, that class might have decided my career path."

Derek's smile turned soft and pleased. "I'll tell him that. He'll be glad to know he had such an impact."

"Yeah, totally." Stiles nodded emphatically. "Doubt he'll remember me, though."

Derek opened his mouth, took a deep breath, and let it out like he was rethinking his reply. "Don't be so sure," be said. "You're pretty memorable."

They talked for ten more minutes while Stiles finished scanning. But it was that one compliment that had him fucking _glowing_ for the rest of the morning.

*

_Moon and Root Online Magical Forum, Friday, February 28, 2020._

3:18 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano** : Tyf, can you talk.

3:18 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** alonso cn u use question marks?

3:18 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano** : I met him.

3:19 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** holee shit!!!!!  
3:19 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** &&&&&???  
3:19 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** r u dating? maTING? wheres my wedding invite??

3:19 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano** : Tyf! Oh my god, we're just TALKING.

3:19 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** boring

3:19 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano** : I'm trying to… feel him out. Plus, if this is going anywhere, I'll have to talk to my boss about the fraternization policy. It's a lot to take in.

3:19 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** thats what he said

3:19 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano** : I walked into that.

3:19 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** so hows he?

3:19 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano** : He's... a lot. Good, but a lot.  
3:19 UTC **AlonsoQuijano** : I  
3:21 UTC **AlonsoQuijano** : Can I say something terrible?

3:21 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** always

3:21 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano:**  I'm not sure I could've handled him if I hadn't spent the past eight months being friends with you.  
3:22 UTC **AlonsoQuijano** : Sorry.

3:25 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** ur right  
3:25 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** that is terrible  
3:25 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** happy 4u neway

3:26 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano** : Thank you, Tyf.

3:26 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** welcome  
3:26 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** cn we talk about me now?

3:27 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano** : Of course.

3:27 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** didn't want 2 steal ur mate-meeting thunder

3:27 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano** : Hey, no. I want to know about your life, ok, Tyf? You're one of my best friends. That won't change, no matter what happens with me and this guy. I want us to be part of each other's lives.

3:28 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** thx. didn't realize how much i needed to hear that  
3:28 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** ok so i also met someone today  
3:28 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** well not met. talked 2 4 the 1st time  
3:28 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** he's super awesome  & amazing  
3:28 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** so while u  & mateypoo build ur happily ever after, i cn pine over Hopeless & Unrequited

3:28 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano** : I bet it's neither.

3:29 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** thx but srsly this guy is SO FAR out of my league  
3:29 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** like goreous  & funny & really thoughtufl  
3:29 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** plus technically i guess he's my boss so

3:30 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano** : Look, just... don't sell yourself short, okay? You have a lot to offer. If this guy's as amazing as you say, he'll probably see it.

3:30 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** lol dude wahtever  
3:31 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** this kinda sux u kno?

3:31 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano** : Yeah.

3:31 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** i mean i get it  
3:31 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** he's like literally ur perfect match  
3:31 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** and he's right there  
3:32 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** i'm just some hyperactive guy u met online  
3:32 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** & the ny-ca thing would be a nightmare  
3:32 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** but i thought we'd be able 2 figure it out  
3:32 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** i thought we'd have time 2 figure it out

3:33 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano** : I haven't told him yet. I don't HAVE to. My sister and her husband were bicoastal the entire time we were in grad school. We could make it work.

3:33 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** omg dude NO  
3:33 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** u gotta at least try w this dude. u deserve that

3:33 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano** : So do you.

3:34 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** yeah but i kno myself  
3:34 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** if u choose me, i'm gonna spend however long we have together worrying that u regret it  
3:34 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** i wanna b somebody's 1st choice. not their safety school

3:34 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano** : Okay. I get it.

3:37 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** i think i need 2 bow out of this convo 4 a while

3:37 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano** : Tyf.

3:37 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** not forever  
3:37 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** just til i can talk 2u  & ACTUALLY b happy 4u

3:38 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano** : This is absurd. How can I be happy when this is making you so miserable?

3:38 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** dude i'll be fine. promise  
3:39 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** ciao AlonsoQuijano. catch u on the flipside

 ** _Tell Your Friends I'm Batman_** has left the conversation.

3:45 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano** : Goodbye, Tyf. Be happy.

*

 **From:** laura.hale@sfda.gov  
**To:** Juvenile.All.Staff  
**Sent:** Friday, March 6, 2020  
**Subject:** Law Clerk Shuffle Next Friday!

Hard to believe our current law clerks have been here almost four months! That means it's time to tell them goodbye and wish them luck in their next rotation. And time to get ready to meet a couple of new faces on Monday.

So please join us at Spitfire one week from today (Friday, March 13) after work as we say goodbye and good luck to:

  * Heather (Gangs)
  * Stiles (Mental Health)



and welcome

  * Kira (Special Prosecutions)
  * Caitlin (Homicide)



Hope to see a lot of you there (Derek, this means you).

Laura Hale  
Managing Attorney, Juvenile Prosecution

*

_Friday, March 6, 2020_

Stiles wouldn't thunk his head down on just any bar. But Cora was owner, head bartender, and apparently chief custodian of Spitfire, and she kept the place scrupulously (Stiles might almost say suspiciously) clean. Her bartop was cleaner than his and Scott's kitchen table. So Stiles could express his anguish with his forehead against smooth, varnished wood, as the gods intended.

Someone flicked him behind the ear, and it said a lot about his life (though a lot of _what,_ he couldn't guess) that he could tell, from the angle and firmness of the flick, that it was Kira. "What's wrong with you?" she demanded as she slid precariously onto the stool next to him.

Stiles groaned and rolled his head back and forth on the cool bar. Why was he even here? He should've gone home, but Kira, Laura, and Heather would never have let him hear the end of it. "Everything is awful. I don't want to go to Mental Health. I'm going to die alone."

"Nothing is awful," Kira huffed and took a drink of something probably vile-tasting and at least 500 proof. "Well, maybe one thing. One thing is awful. The Mental Health rotation is why you applied for the clerkship here in the first place. And you won't die alone because you have Catbus."

"Catbus only puts up with me because he's waiting for me to die. Alone. So he can _eat me._ " Stiles rolled his head enough to scowl at Kira and added, "Two things are awful."

She hummed noncommittally.

At the end of the bar, Laura was haranguing Derek about something. They both looked one hundred percent _done_ with the conversation, but Laura seemed determined to get her point, whatever it was, through to her brother.

"You could go over there," Kira said with a knowing lilt to her voice. "He'd appreciate the save."

Stiles could acknowledge that, objectively, Derek looked _scrumptious_ in his khakis and white button-down with the sleeves rolled up, the closest most of the division's male attorneys got to casualwear. And Stiles was aware that, as of half an hour ago, he was no longer an employee in Juvenile and therefore no longer worked for Derek. He _could_ go over there. He was pretty sure Derek would appreciate more than just the save. He could also acknowledge that his heart wasn't in it today. Hadn't been in it for the past week, honestly.

Laura cast her hands in the air in a clear gesture of disgust and turned away from Derek, ostentatiously walking back to the small table she was sharing with Marin and Braeden.

Stiles watched Derek idly, but he was so sunk in his misery that it took him a second to realize, after Derek squared his shoulders and stood, that he was headed toward _them._ Stiles sat up quickly and tried to tame his hair and shirt back into a semblance of presentability.

Then Derek was standing in front of him, unexpectedly diffident as he stood ramrod straight beside the bar, his thumb and index finger fiddling with the worn corner of the book tucked under his arm. Stiles squinted. Was that _Don Quijote_? In _Spanish_? His stomach churned. Well, that was just plain unfair on so many levels.

Stiles swallowed hard. "Heeeey, Derek," he said.

Derek nodded jerkily. "Stiles." His gaze flicked to Kira. "Kira."

Stiles' eyebrows lifted. "You know each other?"

Kira grimaced, while Derek looked confused. "She's engaged to my cousin," he said like he thought everyone knew that.

Stiles' eyebrows went up higher, and he looked at Kira, who winced and shrugged. Malia had been trying to suss out her biological parents' identities since before Stiles met her, but he'd had no idea that she'd found anything—and definitely not that one of them had turned out to be a Hale. One of the only perks of breaking up with Malia was not getting caught up in her family drama anymore.

"Stiles," Derek said, and his voice sounded almost harsh. Angry. Something inside Stiles clenched tight. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

He shrugged. "Sure. Talk."

Derek frowned. "Can we go someplace more private? The patio, maybe."

Now it was Stiles' turn to make a face. San Francisco in mid-March didn't scream "drinks on the patio" weather, but if Derek wanted privacy, Stiles supposed he could go along with it. He slid off his stool and grabbed his jacket while Derek signaled for a drink. "You want another?" Derek asked, gesturing toward Stiles' half-empty glass. By now, it was more melted ice cubes than scotch, but the thought of taking another sip made his jaw clench.

"I'm good," Stiles gritted out. "You got a coat?"

"I'll be fine," Derek said, not meeting his eyes.

Cora herself brought Derek his drink. She slid it to him and shoved his money away when he tried to hand it to her. "Nice try, asshole." She peered at the book Derek was holding. " _Don Quijote again_? Laura's right about you, Alonso. You keep reading like that, your brain's going to get so dry you lose your wits."

Stiles' brain shut down. Just plain clicked off. He put one foot in front of the other, following Derek mechanically while his world upended itself and stubbornly refused to reform into any sort of coherent whole.

Derek glanced at him as they stepped onto the patio. "Sorry," he said sheepishly. "My sisters are always giving me grief about how much I read. Cora wasn't trying to—Alonso Quijano is—"

"Don Quijote's name," Stiles said, surprised and a little proud that he could force sound past his numb lips. "I know."

Derek smiled at him, shy and startled and pleased. "Most people don't know that."

A hopeless, hysterical bubble of a laugh escaped Stiles' mouth before he could catch it. "I only know because you told me," he said. His voice sounded thready and at the edge of his control.

Even Derek's confused scowls were cute what even was Stiles' life? "I don't remember when we—"

"Because when we met," Stiles continued, rushing so he could spit out all his words before Derek could say he didn't know what Stiles was talking about, or that he _did_ know what Stiles was talking about, and oh god which was worse? "I thought Alonso Quijano was your actual legal name, and I ended our first conversation with a ten-paragraph tirade about the importance of protecting your identity online. And _you_ said—"

"'Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra is the only one who knows my secret identity,'" Derek broke in. "'I think he'll keep it safe.'"

Stiles risked a glance over. Derek looked _wrecked_. His skin had lost color beneath his beard, and his pupils had dilated as though he were preparing for a fight. All Stiles could do was nod and say shakily, "That was the moment I started to fall for you."

Derek took a cautious step forward. His hands flexed at his sides. He moved right into Stiles' space, eyes scanning his face in search of something. His hands rose and hovered beside Stiles' cheeks, fingers brushing his skin minutely as they shook. " _Tyf_?"

The laugh came back, stronger this time, better, because Stiles had never even thought to imagine hearing that name from this man. He leaned his face into Derek's hands. "Yeah."

Derek's mouth lowered, and Stiles tilted his face up. He didn't know what to _do_ with this kiss, with all this heat and pressure and soft movements and quiet sounds, his skin tingling and his pulse thundering in his ears. He and Derek were relative strangers, just a handful of ten-minute conversations between them while Stiles scanned Derek's office. They didn't know each other well enough for Derek to be touching his tongue to the seam of Stiles' lips.

But this was also _Alonso_ , who Stiles had been slowly, inexorably falling for over the last eight months. Tyf knew Alonso better than anyone, and for Alonso Stiles wouldn't hesitate to open his mouth and groan at the sensation of that tongue against his. Alonso and his dry humor. Alonso who hid his anxiety behind a harsh facade. Alonso who—

"Wait, wait." Stiles reluctantly detached from the kiss, but his hands had migrated to the small of Derek's back at some point, and he was more than happy to keep them there. "You live in New York."

Derek frowned. "I live here."

" _Derek_ ," Stiles said, "your Moon and Root profile says Greenwich Village."

"Oh!" Derek's expression cleared and then turned immediately sheepish. "I set up the account when I was at NYU for law school. Laura made me, said she worried about me dying alone under a pile of law books. I poked around the forum while I was there, but I didn't use much it until we moved back to California and I started mentoring Scott. I didn't even remember that the account had a profile."

Stiles slid his hands up Derek's back and neck until he could sink his fingers into the thick hair at the nape of Derek's neck. "Your extreme technological ineptitude should _not_ be this hot," he groaned.

Derek laughed and kissed him again. "What about you?"

"What about me?" Stiles asked between nips down Derek's jawline.

Derek ducked his head and sucked hard on the junction of Stiles' neck and shoulder. It would probably turn into a glorious hickey. "I thought _you_ lived in New York, too. Your profile says Gotham City."

"Yeah, because I'm _Batman._ Not because I actually live in Gotham City—which by the way is canonically in New Jersey oh _fuck_ do that again."

Derek chuckled, a low, dark sound against Stiles' neck. "Your extreme comic nerdery should _not_ be this hot."

"You love it," Stiles gasped.

"Yeah, I kind of do."

It was both the most romantic and most sobering thing anyone had ever said to him. He wanted to keep kissing Derek—holy shit, he wanted _nothing more in the world_ —but they had things to talk about before this got any weirder. Stiles gently extracted himself from Derek's hold, smiling all the while. He held onto Derek's hand and gestured at the nearest table. "We should talk."

Derek swallowed and squeezed Stiles' hand. "Okay."

They sat at the table, and Stiles pulled his chair all the way around so he was right next to Derek. Now that they were this close, Stiles felt the heat pouring off of Derek. Now that he _could_ , he leaned shamelessly into that heat, letting it ward off the end-of-winter chill lingering in the air. Derek wrapped his arm around Stiles' shoulders and clutched his hand like a lifeline. It helped Stiles feel better about the whole situation, knowing Derek was as adrift as he was.

"So," Stiles said. Where to even _start_? "You're a werewolf."

Derek snorted something like a laugh and nodded, letting his eyes shine briefly blue. "Yeah."

Christ, it explained so much. The more he thought about it, the more things he'd noticed about Derek—about all the Hales, really—made sense. Derek never needing a jacket. Cora's obsessively clean bar. Laura _always_ knowing when there were treats in the break room, even when she was all the way over on the other side of the office.

"And you're a spark," Derek said.

"Guilty as charged." Stiles let magic flow out of his hand into Derek's. Derek stared at their hands in awe, as if he could see the magic connecting them. Then his expression hardened and he said, "Your terrible shifter ex was... _Malia_?"

Stiles swallowed and looked at their hands so he wouldn't have to see whatever was going on in Derek's eyes. If it was pity, he didn't want to know. "Yeah."

Derek was silent for a second, and then he snorted. "God, it figures." Stiles glanced up, startled. Derek shrugged. "She's Uncle Peter's daughter. Even if he didn't raise her, it's—it doesn't surprise me that she's an asshole."

That jolted a laugh out of Stiles. He ran the fingertips of his other hand over the back of Derek's. God, it was such a strong hand, but gentle, too, like Derek would fight all comers to protect Stiles and then bandage his wounds after.

And so, at last, to the elephant in the room. "And I... wasn't her mate?"

Now Derek's expression could only be described as thunderous. "No," he said tersely. "You were not."

"Because I'm yours."

Derek glanced at him quickly, and then looked away and gave one jerking nod.

"There's _no_ way you can be wrong about that?" When Derek looked stricken, Stiles rushed to add, "Not that I'm upset about the idea of being yours. Wary and overwhelmed, maybe, because it's _you,_ and because it didn't go so well for me last time. Just, I want to be sure, because _she_ seemed really fucking sure, and—"

Derek's eyes closed, and his jaw clenched. "She—" He opened his eyes, and they were so gorgeous, green and blue and gray, sparkling in the late afternoon light. "She and Kira, they're—she lied, Stiles. I'm sorry."

Ah. So whatever this strange, immunomystical connection was that read as "mates" to shifters, Kira and Malia had it. He wondered idly if Kira could sense it. He wondered if he could jury-rig his magic so he felt it, too, even for a minute. "I'm not."

"It doesn't _obligate_ you to anything," Derek insisted. "Like I told you before, I _can_ be happy with someone else. This isn't some supernatural pining 'if I can't have you I'll be alone forever' bullshit. Okay? We do what _we_ want, both of us, and _nothing_ we don't."

"Yeah, okay," Stiles agreed, smiling slightly. "But don't forget that Tyf's been half in love with Alonso for _months_."

Derek gave a small, pleased smile. "And Alonso's been interested in Tyf since October."

Well, damned if that didn't set Stiles aquiver. "October, huh?"

Derek rolled his eyes like he was a little dismayed with himself. "Your argument with the woman shilling wolfsbane homeopathy was very... inspiring." Stiles was about to make a lewd crack about what he'd _inspired_ Derek to do, but a pinched look came over Derek's face. "You know I... I'm not _just_ Alonso," he said.

"Yeah, of course, I—" Stiles shook his head. "Do you want to tell me what you mean by that?"

"I mean—" Derek huffed out a breath. "Online, it's easier to be... who I want. I have time to think about what I'm saying and how I'm coming across. In person I'm awkward and anxious. And I get frustrated about that, so I can also be short-tempered and snappish."

Stiles smiled, feeling somewhere between impish and _aching_ for Derek. "Yeah, but, dude, remember that I was there for—some might even say responsible for—the Unspeakable Judge McCoy Scheduling Snafu _and_ the Great and Terrible Moon and Root Celtic Pronunciation Debate. I'm familiar with your moods. As Derek _and_ Alonso."

"There's also—"

"Your anxiety. Your eyes. What your other ex tried to do to your family. I already know it, remember?" Stiles leaned against Derek, tucking his head into the crook of Derek's neck and feeling more than hearing Derek's contented sigh. "I'm not trying to minimize anything you've been through, or are going through, but, Derek, _it doesn't matter._ We know the worst about each other, and neither of us has run screaming. It feels like a solid foundation to build on." He nudged Derek's fingers with his own. "Plus, I'm told I smell really good."

Derek groaned. "I never would've told you that if I'd known you were you."

Stiles laughed. God, this adorable, awkward grump was going to be the best thing that ever happened in his life, he knew it already. "I'm _really_ glad you did," he said.

Derek held Stiles closer and kissed the top of his head. "Yeah," he said. "I am, too."

*

_Moon and Root Online Magical Forum, July 22, 2020. General Discussion >> Member Milestones_

**Post by Alpha Comma Esquire**  
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY,  **AlonsoQuijano** and  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman!!!** champagne.gif

 **Post by Frankly Justine**  
have a good time boys *leer*

 **Post by Illudens**  
Whoa, wait. Since when are you two a thing? Gods, I miss _everything_ around here. Well, happy day. Or some shit.

 

_Moon and Root Online Magical Forum, July 22, 2020. Message log between_

**AlonsoQuijano:**  31, San Francisco. _I'm with Tyf (he made me say that)_

and

 **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** 26, Gotham City. _shit son motions to file no time for crusading. current mood: clutching **AlonsoQuijano** 's manly arms and jibbering about the california bar exam_

20:45 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano:** Stiles, why is everyone on this site wishing us a happy anniversary?

20:45 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** cuz it's our anniversary!  
20:45 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** happy anniversary boo!

20:46 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano:** Our anniversary is in MARCH. I remember. I was there.

20:46 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** true but!  
20:46 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** on this date 1 yr ago **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman** spoke to **AlonsoQuijano** 4 the 1st time

20:46 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano:** Oh, god. I remember. You burst into the message window and said you were having a werewolf emergency. I STILL don't know how you knew. Then you grilled me for ten minutes about what happens to my eyebrows when I shift.

20:46 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** THAT IS A WEREWOLF EMERGENCY DEREK

20:47 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano:** To think I fell in love with you twice.

20:47 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** mann traoch gott lauch boo.

20:47 UTC  **AlonsoQuijano:** Keep studying. Happy anniversary.

20:47 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** happy anniversary AlonsoQuijano  
20:48 UTC **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** protect your internet identity!

 ** _AlonsoQuijano_** has left the conversation.

20:48 UTC  **Tell Your Friends I'm Batman:** rude

**Author's Note:**

> Me: *scans files around the office*  
> Me: I apologize to my werewolf coworkers for touching your files so much.  
> Me: *rushes to computer to outline fic*
> 
> Thank you for reading! Stop by [Ye Olde Tumblre](http://hugealienpie.tumblr.com/), if you've a mind.


End file.
